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Women Talk

It’s not You, it’s Him!

It goes like this: you find a reputable dating site, not just one of those mostly used for quickies. You then spend centuries working on your profile and upload a couple of breathtaking photos of yourself, showcasing your best features. All set – time to browse through some profiles! Having been burnt multiple times in the past, you only engage in conversations with men who state they are looking for a “serious relationship” – no time to waste on hitters and quitters.

After a few emails back and forth, you start seeing this amazing guy. Things seem to be going really well, although there is something that bothers you a little – you just don’t feel like he is certain in your future together. Perhaps, it’s just too early? You swallow your doubts, but about three months in, the dreaded commitment conversation finally happens. Ka-boom, girl! All of a sudden, he talks along the lines of mistakes of the past, being cheated on by multiple girlfriends and needing more time to recover. The down math is ugly – he is not at all ready for that “serious relationship” he clearly stated he was looking for! Telling this story to your girlfriends, you keep wondering: “Does he really know what he wants?!”

Fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a major revelation – no, he probably doesn’t. And more often than not, it has nothing to do with you. Most likely, you haven’t done anything terribly wrong, especially if you’ve managed to get this far in the relationship. The thing is, men really don’t know what they want! Brainstorm it for a couple of minutes, and you’ll probably find multiple live proofs around. Everyone knows a guy who left his girlfriend of 6 years because he wasn’t ready for a marriage, only to take his new crush to the altar within 3 months, make 4 babies and live happily forever after. The opposite is not rare, too – sometimes a man will commit to a relationship with a lady he seemed to really like, only to realize soon after that being single is way too awesome.

Why is that? The answer lies in depths of our biology. From the ancient times, women were the center of stability in the community. Maintaining this stability and safety requires a lot of planning, which is hardly possible without staying tuned with your priorities and needs 24/7! Men, on the other side, used to run around hunting, gathering and protecting their families. These tasks require a totally different mindset of “right here right now”, focusing on quick decisions. In other words, men very much live in the moment, not stopping very often to analyze long-term consequences.

The same applies to relationships. And it does not mean that all men are purposeful mean liars – if he tells you he loves you, unless you’re dealing with an obvious douche, chances are he really feels that way at that moment! If he creates an online profile to find “serious relationships” – it likely was his genuine intention when he pressed the “save changes” button. With that in mind, try stressing less and even give a shot to living in the moment. Mostly, remember – it’s not you, it’s him!

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